Practical predictions from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
Festival season is upon us! Over the years, the industry has developed and evolved to a point where there’s an event for pretty much every location, taste and comfort level. To help you decide where you want to drop your butt and your cash, this month I’ve put together a guide for the best festival for you based on your zodiac sign. Enjoy!
Aquarius: These folks are creative, cerebral and fiercely individualistic (aka hard to deal with a lot of times). The ideal festival for these folks is one that really challenges them and provides them opportunities to see things they don’t have a chance to encounter elsewhere. Extra points for if they can avoid small talk with strangers. Oddly enough, such a festival exists right here in the Scruffy City that checks all these boxes and more!
Aquarians, you just missed out on this year’s iteration, but the Big Ears Festival is an amazing opportunity to experience what happens when artists are encouraged to truly explore what they can do. While some of the acts may be a bit too ‘out there’ for a normal crowd, you will fit right in. Also, given the crowd’s tendency to be introverted, you won’t be expected to talk to strangers while waiting in line for the bathroom.
Pisces: These fishies are spiritual beings who can find inspirational tunes within almost every genre. They’re also at peace near the water, so next month’s Hangout Festival is the perfect opportunity to enjoy great music in even better surroundings. This beachfront festival in Gulf Shores, Alabama, offers pop favorites like Halsey, groovy groups like Moon Taxi and much more. Even better, this city festival does not offer a camping component, which is usually way more work than these folks want to put forth. Grooves, sand, water, real beds and showers make for their ideal festival experience.
Aries: When it comes to this walking can of Monster Energy, the ideal festival is one where they have the opportunity to fully engage in the ‘extreme.’ With lineups that in past years featured such diverse yet high-energy acts like Run the Jewels and NOFX, Chicago’s Riot Fest offers no shortage of stages at which to dance as if no one’s watching. This year’s edition even promises a return of the REAL Misfits! One tip, though: Unless you’re in a consensual mosh pit, keep those hands to yourself but keep plenty of cash in them to buy drinks for all the strangers you’re guaranteed to accidentally slosh with beer.
Taurus: There are a few things that the bull needs to be able to unclench and have an enjoyable time at a large-scale gathering. Firstly, there’s no way they’re camping, so the ideal festival should have comfy accommodations close by. Secondly, they’ll be thinking of their belly first and ears second, so amazing food should also be a focal point of any gathering they choose to attend. Finally, those ears aren’t going to want to do a lot of work, so lots of well-known acts are essential. Thankfully, Beale Street Music Festival, part of Memphis in May, checks all those boxes. They can stay in the Peabody with those dang ducks, gorge themselves on good barbecue and relive their less-responsible days by listening to Weezer and Three Six Mafia – all while wearing practical shoes.
Gemini: When it comes to festivals, the twins do best with those that have something to satisfy their every mood. They need the ability to show off their flashy fashion sense and penchant for committing to a party vibe while also allowing for opportunities to turn inward and regroup. They do best with events that supply a soundtrack for these personality swings, as well.
That farm out in Manchester has made it its mission to throw a party for all kinds – even if those kinds reside in the same body. Throw some sunblock and your feather boa in a bag and let out a big ol,’ “Bonnarooooo!” The campsite – or even one of those few, coveted shade trees – provides a nice reprieve when you’ve worn out those dancing shoes.
Cancer: It is so obvious that the crab is the biggest (forever-)emo kid in the zodiac. Though a lot of tours and festivals may have a dollop of screamo here or there, Las Vegas’ When We Were Young really piles it on. You haven’t seen this much hair-flipping and eye rolls since middle school, with acts such as Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday on hand to make you remember when your ‘problems’ weren’t actually problems at all. Dig out that eyeliner and black nail polish and keep in mind that you have until October to be able to fit back into those skinny jeans.
Leo: Wherever the lion goes, it’s imperative that part of the allure is to be seen. They love music, art, food, moving their bodies and making friends. But given the choice, they’re gonna go for the one with the most star power. Coachella has the big names, the big reputation and takes place in a setting that is almost as attractive as every Leo thinks they are. This isn’t to say they aren’t going to dig the performances or avoid participating in some of the more introspective activities offered; it just means their outfit will be better than yours and that they somehow will charm their way into Safari camping during morning yoga.
Virgo: The practical, analytical planner can have fun … as long as that fun is well-organized, of course. While they’re okay watching a new act or two, they really want to make their time and money count, so they’ll need a healthy portion of familiar names to be on the bill. And they require minimal fuss when it comes to accommodations, so camping festivals aren’t really their bag. Lollapalooza has been at it for decades now, so it’s ironed out most of the kinks and offers enough big names that the virgin will feel like they’re getting their money’s worth. Moreover, there’s no friendship-testing challenge of having to put together a tent, and there is plenty of public transportation. Also, deep-dish pizza.
Libra: This breezy air sign is wired to look for the balance and harmony in all aspects of life. They crave grace, beauty and soulful/artful expression. They also never turn down an opportunity to shake their booty. After a two-year hiatus, the Roots Picnic is unfurling a cozy quilt of good music, food and vibes. Acts like Mary J. Blige, SWV and even Rick Ross will be on hand to provide the perfect groove while food vendors each will have an offering curated by the festival’s hosts. Those who can’t swing the trek to Philly can enjoy a virtual option along with tons of podcasts to enjoy well after the party has ended.
Sagittarius: Centaurs are lively and free-spirited, so they need more than good music, art and glamping to really make a festival something they’ll remember. They require a full adventure that pushes both the mind and body to the limit. With the promise of a life-altering/-affirming experience of building a temporary city in the desert where folks push their inhibitions to the side, Burning Man is the ultimate destination for these good-natured bundles of energy. They’ll enjoy the community-building and, ahem, no-strings-attached vibe, as they’re all too happy with leaving only footprints and taking only memories. To better guarantee this remains the case nine months into the future, I kindly suggest bringing along … provisions.
Scorpio: Scorpions aren’t necessary all brood and intense mood; they absolutely can have a good time at something as seemingly carefree as a music festival. All they really need is an event that offers tons of variety, new experiences and the opportunity to expand their noggin. South by Southwest offers all of this and more. With a plethora of new music spanning multiple genres, as well as films, panels and lectures, Austin is the place where these water signs can dive in and be themselves. There’s also the opportunity to meet new people and make connections, both of the platonic and amorous variety – the latter being a favorite Scorpio pastime.
Capricorn: I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know when I say you like structure. You’re also thrifty, which naturally is just a nice way of calling you cheap. You do know how to have a fun time, though, and your taste in music is surprisingly decent for someone who’s fairly rigid. What you need is a good local-ish festival that will allow you to navigate somewhat familiar territory while still leaving you with the feeling you went on vacation.
Bristol Rhythm & Roots Reunion is a perfect fit. You have to drive on something other than I-40 or -75, you’ll get to see some big names and local favorites and with gas so expensive right now, it’s absolutely cheaper to just stay in a hotel in the heart of the action. Shoot, you even can grab some Pal’s on your way back home. Bring your favorite prophetess a chili burger with bacon and some Frenchie fries while you’re at it.
