Practical recommendations from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
I don’t know about the rest of you, but early summer makes me super nostalgic for the days I’d lay on the floor, belly-down and legs kicking behind me, and gaze upon the magic that was PBS children’s programming. “The Electric Company,” “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood,” “Reading Rainbow” and – the jewel of them all – “Sesame Street” often filled my early afternoons. That last one, though, was the most brilliant of them all! It tricked us into learning by introducing a host of the wackiest, wildest, off-the-wall characters around. You know, the kind of people who you meet each day. Ever wonder who you’d be on Tha Street? Well, Madame Weezy has consulted the skies to tell you just what kind of person you would be in that neighborhood.
Aquarius: Aquarians know how to have someone’s back without losing their own identity. They’re self-confident and willing to try new things, and they care not whether outsiders approve. Though he’s usually seen paired up with his “roommate,” Ernie dances to the beat of his own drum. (Or in his case, boogies to his own bugle.) He will put up with crotchety ol’ Bert without letting his buddy’s ‘tude affect his own ability to explore the world. And though, unlike Bert, he doesn’t want to live on the moon, he at least gave it some consideration.
Pisces: Fishes are easygoing, friendly and kind. They can be amazing friends when hanging one-on-one. They’re great listeners and are the perfect folks to confide in. They are homebodies, though, so quality time with them is just chilling at the crib watching Netflix or playing games and pigging out. They’re not really into social media, either, so taking a photo of them is almost a game. If you do drag them out with a larger group, say to a party, these folks tend to disappear to everyone but the dog. Sweet, elusive and perhaps even imaginary, Big Bird’s BFF Snuffleupagus is without a doubt Pisces’ spirit Muppet.
Aries: Rams are always right – even when they’re wrong – and will argue for sport. While they can be much too much on the outside, they have an underlying kindness that will poke out on occasion despite their best efforts to stay looking tough. Oscar the Grouch is quite relatable to these folks. Both are bristly, often look disheveled and have a tendency to accidentally hoard things, too.
Taurus: Bulls are set in their ways and prefer to stick to what they know. They’re friendly, fun and love taking care of their people, but they aren’t at all shy when it comes to expressing their own needs – so much so that how they express themselves can come across as a bit overzealous and frenzied. Cookie Monster is quite similar in this regard. He loves his people, but he knows his heart belongs first and foremost to cookies, and he makes sure that he will get his hands on them no matter what – or who – stands in his way.
Gemini: The twins love being in the middle of the action, no matter what that action may be. They’re super popular, and others gravitate towards them. Though they can on the surface seem juvenile and flaky, they’re also capable of deep thoughts and big feelings. Same goes for our buddy Elmo. He’s always excited and asking questions, and his mere existence has started rumbles between folks just wanting to be nearer to him.
Cancer: Without a doubt, crabs are the most emotional of all the signs. They love hard, brood hard and worry hard. Who better to relate to this moody sign than Telly Monster? The Street’s poster-Muppet for anxiety disorder, Telly worries about every little thing. He deals with his worry by vegging out in front of the boob tube, often as a way to not work through the things that are bothering him. He has a lot of love to spread when he’s able, but he’ll likely grow up to having every Nick at Night episode memorized and a Costco-sized bottle of antacids on autoship to deal with his ever-growing ulcer.
Leo: No matter their age, lions are always children at heart. They’re creative, curious, make friends easily and are often the center of attention. It makes sense, then, that the shining star of the zodiac would be drawn to the giant, sun-yellow star of the show. Big Bird is bright, fun and just an all-around great Muppet to be around. Just like a Leo, he’s no doubt the most popular creature in the neighborhood, as he sees the world though a fresh, cheery lens. Effortlessly cool and kind, he represents the kind of people you’d like to meet each day.
Virgo: Virgins just want to do the right thing. They are likable, patient and responsible. If we’re being honest, though, they’re also pretty uptight. They have their minds made up as to how things should be done – much like our favorite frog, Kermit. Whether it’s organizing a show or heading up a project at work, both Kermie and Virgos will start out polite, but they will become increasingly agitated when things don’t go as planned until they wind up having a little meltdown.
However, after they’ve had time to cool down and clear their heads, they’re able to bring everything and everyone back together in the end.
Libra: Libras are attractive, intelligent and born diplomats. They love to find common ground by bringing friends together, much like Sesame Street’s precocious 7-year-old Prairie Dawn. She loves to create things that are pleasing to the mind and the eye, such as pageants and news programs. Libras love to plan parties with beautiful decorations, as well as to create opportunities for folks to get to know each other better. And just like Libras, Prairie can sometimes be misunderstood. What other Muppets may find a bit bossy is just passion. What non-Libras may believe is flakiness is really just flexibility. And it goes without saying, both are cute as a button, too.
Scorpio: Intelligent, dark and mysterious, scorpions tend to bide their time until the right opportunity to pounce comes along – much like when Count von Count overhears someone trying to figure out how many apples there are in a photo. And like those born under this sign, he’s a bit on the spooky side. Both the Count and Scorpios can be quite intense.
For example, the Count may notice others are not interested in counting along … but he continues just the same – and loudly, too. Scorpios can become quite impassioned when it comes to a topic in which they’re interested and steamroll the arguments of others. However, though they have to work a little harder to hear others, they both are the most loyal of friends.
Sagittarius: Good-natured, daring and adventurous, centaurs are a joy to be around. And just like Grover, these folks welcome new challenges whenever possible. Both make new friends wherever they go without becoming overly clingy or dependent. They are both aware of just how adorable they are, though Sagittarians are much more likely to use their cuteness to get what they want. This comes in handy when either the Muppet or the person tries to provide help but just winds up making a mess.
Capricorn: Quiet, focused and serious, there has to be a goat in every group to keep the others in line (or, depending on how you look at it, to rain on others’ parades). For every Ernie, there’s a Bert. With a furrowed brow, they plan, worry and fuss. When fun and creativity misfire, there’s always a loving but cranky Bert to say, “I told you so.” It’s not that they don’t want to have fun; they’re just so concerned about what could go wrong that they have to be made to let go a little. And while it may seem as though the world could do without Berts, the rest of us would be in a lot of trouble if they weren’t around.
weezy@blanknews.com
