By Tracy Weeks
It’s time someone stood up for an oft-forgotten oppressed minority.
This group never has its opinions considered, especially in this type of forum (whatever that means).
As a matter of fact, if you’re reading this right now, I guarantee that you’re not a member of this group and, frankly, you just wouldn’t understand.
Yes, folks, I’m talking about the illiterate. WHY ISN’T THERE A NEWSPAPER FOR THEM!?!?!
“What?” you say? “A newspaper for illiterates? That doesn’t make a lick of sense.”
Yes, that’s the kind of elitism I expect from you letter-stringer-together types. You folks have your heads so full of “I before e, except after c” and such that you can’t think clearly.
You see, us illiterates are very self-conscious about our situation. Hence (whatever that means, nobody ever says hence in real conversation because they’d get maimed for such arrogant chatter) anyway, hence, the goal behind this article is to get some attention.
We need a newspaper or magazine we can hold and look like we’re reading. That’s what makes “BLANK” so ideally suited to us.
“Wait, so illiterates need a magazine to pretend to read?” you ask with incredulous self-important dissonance (whatever that means).
You alpha-alphabeters make me sick all with these questions.
A paper specifically designed for illiterates could provide an opening to approach someone you might be interested in romantically with the ole, “Pardon me, I can’t read, can you read this to me? Slowly?”
I bet you didn’t think about that did you, Reading Rainbow?
Yes, we are the most oppressed group of humans, except for maybe smokers. And if you’re both…wow. ”No I don’t know what that sign means…” and then you still get yelled at for smoking. Double whammy.
You’ll notice that the person who wrote this for me uses these quotation marks a lot. This can also be done orally by us illiterates and in fact, I see a lot of “book-folk” do it too. You just hold two fingers up on both hands like you’re making two peace signs, scrunch them down, (usually a couple of times for some reason) and say, “quote.” This also means your making fun of whatever you’re saying “quote” about.
Of course, no one is completely illiterate and that’s why they keep getting on to you smokers. They’re just not buying the fact that you can’t figure out the sign when you’re so good at the finger quotes thing.
I encourage all illiterates having this read to you right now to learn to read, at least a little bit. And remember, you don’t really have to learn to read THAT well.
Heck, “The Cat in the Hat” is still the best book I’ve ever read. I didn’t care too much for “Green Eggs and Ham,” though. And I soon lost patience with that “Sam I Am” character.
Listen, if you don’t like it, don’t eat it, but get over it.
See, if you learn to read at least a little, you can become a literary critic, and everyone knows that the most important thing in the world today is telling someone how wrong they are and/or how they could have done better.
