Practical predictions from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
The holidays are upon us, my loves. Now, you may be able to kick back and watch all the TikTok videos in existence while your sweet Mamaw recreates a Norman Rockwell scene at her place, but you’ll likely not be so lucky during the (minimum of) five Friendsgivings you’re obligated to attend. Don’t panic, though: Madame Weezy is here to help you pick the perfect platter of goodness to share with your liked ones – according to the stars, of course!
Aquarius: Creative and quirky Aquarians are the perfect people to turn the otherwise plain glob of jiggly goo that is cranberry sauce into a classed-up, culinary masterpiece. The intellectuals you are, you’ll comb the far reaches of cyberspace for inspiration, culminating in what at the very least will be an aesthetically pleasing creation. And though not all will appreciate such experimentation, at least you winter babies won’t be disappointed if folks only feast with their eyes. After all, you’re accustomed to people not appreciating your genius.
Pisces: Fishies are sweet, comforting and loved by all, so of course it makes sense you’d be coming with dessert in tow. Buttery, gooey and hearty pecan pie is the best dish to make guests feel as warm and fuzzy as a bear hug from you sweethearts. What’s even better – as Pisces mean well but aren’t the best at thinking ahead – you can easily scoop one up at the store (Publix if you really wanna show some love). It’s the perfect dish to show your friends and friends of friends just what you’re about.
Aries: No one is too interested in you by yourself – you’re just much too much solo. So it just makes sense that you should avoid bringing a standalone dish. You need others to temper your overpowering personality, so your offering should be one that complements others’ culinary creations instead of outshining them. What, when paired with other foods, really makes them pop? A complex, flavorful bowl of gravy should be your contribution. A good gravy can make dry turkey taste juicy, dress up otherwise bland potatoes or casserole and is perfect to sop up with a warm roll. As an added benefit, your leftovers can even make the family pet’s dinner more special.
Taurus: You always have that warm, comfy aura that makes those around you feel right at home whether or not they’re actually welcome. You invented “company manners,” as well as “you-just-wait-until-later” stares. Anyhoo, you also are such a great cook when it comes to the classics, so there is no one better at whipping up the ultimate comfort food: mashed potatoes. Yours have just the right amount of buttery goodness, the right consistency and are seasoned just so as to please palates ranging from mild to wild. Just make sure to make enough for all those extra tagalongs.
Gemini: A divisive person like yourself obviously will be bringing an equally divisive contribution to the dinner table. A dish that is sweet, spicy, matches the theme of the season and is either loved or avoided by those in attendance. I’m talking about pumpkin pie, of course. You’ll start by trying to be creative and thus will attempt to make your own with a friend or two but will wind up getting sidetracked (tanked). Fortunately, you can grab one on the way. Unfortunately, though, Publix and Kroger will likely be sold out, meaning your only option will be the Walmartz.
Cancer: Your feelings are easily hurt, but you have a great imagination that you shouldn’t be wasting. What can you bring that will be a crowd pleaser while allowing a little room for some creative license? Even the pickiest of eaters usually are willing to scarf down a roll or two. But how can plain ol’ bread be creative, Madame Weezy? Just take a few swipes through some Pinterest boards, and you’ll find a million ways to jazz up flour and water into the most satisfying bite on the table. You can even make a variety – a cornucopia if you will – to suit any appetite. Rolls, cornbread, biscuits, savory muffins – it’s all up to you! Your breadbasket is guaranteed to be empty when it’s time to leave.
Leo: Isn’t it obvious? You are the star no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Though it may seem like you’re just too lazy or vain to get your hands dirty enough to make something from scratch, you’re actually not afraid of the hard work it takes to earn the spotlight. Gobble gobble, friend – you are bringing the turkey. You’ll find the perfect recipe, present the main course on the perfect platter and will do a perfect job carving up the juiciest bird with the crispiest skin. All eyes will be on you, and the praise you receive will be earned. Even better, folks will be so enthralled by your handiwork that they’ll pitch in to do the worst job of all that you actually are much too cool to do: the cleaning.
Virgo: You are by-the-book, so your dish will be one that is expected to be seen on the table whether folks actually like it or not. And as this sign also usually is one of the most fit in the zodiac, you’ll no doubt be looking for a way get some vegetables into everyone’s bellies. You mean well, but keep in mind that this holiday is all about the feast. What’s a good compromise? Green bean casserole, as it’s a great way to sneak in some nutritional value while still committing to the gluttonous theme. You may even be able to get away with some reduced-fat ingredients while not making the finished product taste like disappointment.
Libra: You Libras LOVE quality time with your people, and you welcome the challenge of finding a recipe the whole crew will dig. You also like to play on people’s senses, so a dish that smells as good at it looks is just the ticket. Sage, onions, celery, breadcrumbs and savory spices make dressing/stuffing one of the coziest dishes around. Whether it’s incorporating sausage for your carnivorous compadres, cornbread for your vegan visitors or even that recipe that calls for a Krystal’s steamer pack for your stoner sidekicks, you’ll be able to please every taste. Any way you go, it’s bound to be a perfectly balanced pan of perfection all your pals will enjoy.
Scorpio: You’re secretive, complex and woefully misunderstood. If we’re looking for a recipe to match your personality, it should be one just as mysterious. You should bring that casserole dish of traditional Thanksgiving fare that confounds everyone at the table. Are yams and sweet potatoes the same thing? Who knows. Is it a vegetable or a dessert? Your guess is as good as mine. Marshmallows? Pecans? Spicy honey? Heck, since it’s all made up anyhow, why not do all three? Whatever you do is gonna be fabulous because – just like you – though it’s inscrutable, it works. Folks will line up to ladle squishy globs of sugary goodness that are just as complex as their creator on their plates.
Sagittarius: Like Leos, you never let go of the fun-loving, good-natured playfulness of youth, so it only makes sense that you bring the runner-up to their first-prize spot at the buffet. Be it smoked, wrapped in bacon or decked out in pineapple rings, ham will be your lauded contribution to the feast. And as those familiar with children know, they’re more likely to agree to bites of this other white meat than the primary poultry. Though you might be a bit intimidated at the thought of cooking a huge hunk of meat on your own, it’s actually pretty hard to mess up. So rather than chilling in that Honey Baked line for (no foolin’) hours, grab a slab at the store and make your own delicious creation.
Capricorn: You take everything you do in life seriously and will turn almost anything into a competition. You also can be a bit crusty and cheesy, so it makes sense for you to bring the macaroni and cheese. People get very serious about their mac recipes, and you are no exception. You have found the perfect pasta shape, the best cheese types and ratios, and you are positive that you have the secret for a superior, buttery crust. You will also challenge anyone to a cookoff, whether they care about the culinary arts or not. Now, it’ll definitely be an amazing pan of food, but try to just chill and let folks enjoy their meal in peace.
