Practical recommendations from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
by Madame Weezy
Like so many kids of a certain generation, one of my favorite things to do as a kid was to go through the Sears Wish Book and circle all the fun toys I hoped Santa would bring me. Seeing one of those coveted classics peek out from beneath the wrapping paper was a joy I wish I could’ve bottled up to carry with me to adulthood, when such a pure and intense excitement isn’t as easy to come by. Whether recreating the same experience for the little ones in your life or just feasting on some of that delicious nostalgia, here are some tried-and-true classics to get you in the spirit – based on your sign, of course.
Aquarius: Aquarians are creative and independent, and while they play OK with other kids, they prefer to engage in solo fun. Lite Brite, the light-up screen that allows for making truly electric art, gives folks a blank canvas on which to make colorful 3-D creations without any bothersome input from others. Even as kids, water-bearers are 100 percent individualistic and are pretty sure anything coming out of their own brains is superior to the ideas of outsiders. They’re also – generally speaking – smart enough to not put the little plastic pins in their mouths, which is a bonus.
Pisces: These kids are sweet and kind but will make a mess with anything you hand them, so the best toy for them is one that’s loads of fun that comes with minimal pieces. Let’s be honest: Many fish tend to grow up to enjoy … elevating … their minds, so something trippy will always be a hit. A Sit ‘n Spin is basically a means for children to get their first buzz on but is also a completely acceptable form of entertainment. The only cleanup that could be involved is the PB & J they had for lunch making a second appearance after one too many powerful twirls.
Aries: These kids are gonna be grounded a lot no matter what you do, so no sense trying to tamp down their aggressiveness by buying boring toys. They can turn anything into a weapon, so might as well go ahead and get them a Nerf Blaster to at least soften the inevitable blows. They’ll take their battles seriously and will try running and sneak attacks, so playing with this thing and expending energy picking up the shower of foam bullets will at least let them get out some of that seemingly boundless energy.
Taurus: These little homebodies love to dote on their loved ones. The classic play kitchen with its plastic food and dishes let these little chefs create a pretend feast for their friends, family, stuffed animals, pets – anyone or anything around, really. Thanks to their budding bossy personalities, the little dinner parties these kids create are mandatory and the menu non-negotiable. Whether by guilt trip or hissy fit, all attendees will be forced to stuff their faces with plates of pretend meals far after they’ve had their fill. Even more amusing: They’ll trick guests into helping with cleanup, too.
Gemini: These kids have endless imaginations and love to show them off. They also dig exploring and stretching the walls of their (multiple) personalities, so a chest full of dress-up clothes is the perfect tool to let them be whoever or whatever they want to be. They can be a princess, a doctor, a firefighter and a cheerleader all in the same afternoon and grab that sorely needed attention as they parade around for all to see. Be prepared, though, for picking up this stuff from all over the house because among all those personas, nary a one is a neat freak.
Cancer: Crabs being the most caring sign in the zodiac, it only makes sense they’d be drawn to a toy that allows them to emote to their hearts’ content. A baby doll is an obvious answer, but with so many to choose from, which one truly provides the opportunity to emulate smothering parental care? Baby Alive, the doll that eats, drinks and poops, allows not only for the imaginative play of caring for the helpless, but also adds chores to the mix. What could be more fun than preparing sticky “food” to clean off its face, its hair, its clothes and most surfaces of any home – but also includes the thrill of changing diapers? You can never introduce the banality of adulthood too early to your children, and as crabby kids fall into existential dread like pros, this “toy” merges playtime with work like no other.
Leo: The “it” sign receives the ultimate “it” toy, of course. And thanks to the recent box-office hit, Barbie is more popular than ever. She’s beautiful, fun, flirty and – thanks to some forward-thinking marketing teams over the past couple of decades – she also can be anything she wants to be. She’s a beauty queen, a princess, an astronaut, a mom, a scientist, a teacher and more. She’s also well-rounded, enjoying music, camping, water sports, shopping, travel and all kinds of other pastimes. As a result of all this, she does have haters, but the great thing is that she can role play and take out some of that pent-up aggression on Ken or Midge but wake up in her Dreamhouse the next day like it never happened.
Virgo: Even as children, our most practical pals’ playtimes needed to include an element of real-life application. With their friendly demeanors and desire to help others, the Easy-Bake Oven gives our burgeoning control freaks the ability to create within clearly defined parameters. The guesswork is at a minimum with the carefully measured packets of yummy goodness, and the setup includes just enough whimsical sweet treats and decorations to still count as fun. And though packed with sugar, the output is still something folks can tangibly use. Virgins are active and reserved enough to burn off a little sugar buzz without making too much noise and are responsible enough to clean up after themselves, too.
Libra: Little Libras are all about aesthetics. They love to dress up their rooms, their dolls and even themselves in vibrant outward expressions of their inner passions. And though they play beautifully with others, fellow children can run a bit too high and low, emotionally speaking, for the scales. Old-fashioned Colorforms are a great way for these mini-decorators to design to their hearts’ content while steering clear of all the drama on the playground. The possibilities are endless, of course, until the flimsy plastic stickers drop into air vents and couch cushions one by one, eventually leaving just some shiny cardboard and a reusable hat sticker or two.
Scorpio: These curious mini-geniuses pop into the world with serious sensibilities. While other kids get lost in make-believe, young scorpions find plenty fascinating in the real world around them. They love to test ideas, boundaries and patience. A chemistry set gives these little mad scientists their first taste of exploring the seemingly boundless laws of the universe. (And with all those chemical reactions, the rules of their house, too.) Sure, cobalt-blue stains will likely be all over the place, and their already healthy sense of self-importance will be inflated by their “obvious” genius, but they’ll love every reaction when they show off their experiments to anyone who’ll watch.
Sagittarius: All these independent young’uns will be ready to strike out all on their own right out of the gate. A toy that helps enhance their sense of individuality and thrill them to no end while likely terrifying the adults in their lives. A Big Wheel certainly will provide these little adrenaline junkies with a sense of adventure. Whether racing down the street, flying dangerously down a steep hill or just gently ramming into their loved ones, this first vehicle gives them their first sense of freedom – and almost assuredly will lead to their first whooping, too.
Capricorn: These kids like order and organization, but they also like competition. The toy for them is one that presents them with the ability to order, catalog, arrange and plan. Bonus if it also gives them the possibility to assemble and lord their prized collection over others. Thus a set of Hot Wheels, complete with a track, of course, gives these future middle-managers the ability to do just that. They’ll also insist on having the carrying case with the little slots so they can keep their wares orderly and tidy. They can race against their friends and be sore winners – because they’ll naturally make sure they have the fastest cars. Their track, their rules, after all.
weezy@blanknews.com
