Practical predictions from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
It’s that time of year again where you take on the daunting task of expressing your care and admiration for the people in your world in the most capitalist manner possible – by buying the perfect present that says, “I am a very smart and compassionate person because I know you better than you know yourself.” No pressure, right? Well, Madame Weezy is here with a gift of her own just for you, my dears: a guide to deciphering everyone’s wishlist according to the zodiac. Your loyal readership is thanks enough, of course, but I won’t turn down any baked goods, either.
Aquarius: Picking the perfect present for this persnickety pal can be quite a pickle. They’re careful to not let anyone get too close, so how can you creep them out with your uncanny ability to hone in on the material possessions that will make their heart happy? The secret is – although they kinda stink at emoting with their words – they are downright passionate when letting their brains and hands team up. Art supplies would be a wonderfully unexpected and thrilling gift for these water signs, and a great local spot to shop would be Jerry’s Artarama in Homberg.
Pisces: For a water sign, these fish certainly do love dry earthly comforts. No matter what, they are usually chill – both figuratively and literally. Want to get a nice, warm “thank you” from your consistently content companion? Get them one of those oversized, cozy quilts guaranteed to completely complement their couch time. Want to add a personal touch? Knit them one with your own two hands! The folks at Twisted Scissors Quilt Shop down the road in Alcoa will be more than happy to help with both the materials and know-how to get you started.
Taurus: Though they’re symbolized by the brutish bull, Tauruses are really the moms of the zodiac. They love to take care of the people they love, and one of their favorite ways to do so is to cram their crew full of comforting yet creative culinary concoctions. For a gift that will please not only your Taurean but their circle, too, hit up The Tree & Vine and/or The Spice & Tea Exchange downtown. There, you can gather yummy and interesting items for the most ingenious gift basket they could imagine. Both they and your tummy will thank you.
Aries: If they idle too long, fiery rams are prone to adopting the personality of a 3-year-old on a full pot of coffee. For the sake of sanity (both yours and theirs), the best gift should require enough energy to sufficiently tire them out enough to be tolerable again. It’d be ideal to find something that will challenge their mind, too, but priority is definitely their body. Outdoor Gear Revival on Kingston Pike is the perfect spot to find just what your adventure junkie needs. Be it rafting, hiking, spelunking or what have you, they’ll get you set up with whatever looks like it’ll do the trick of entertaining your loved one without also killing them.
Gemini: Man, oh man, it can be quite a challenge to decide on a gift for your most indecisive friend, huh? Though they do have two sides, both don’t really want stuff, per se. Their responsible side will make sure their needs are taken care of while planning to make room for when they binge on their wants. How annoying, right? The great thing is that both sides like good food and drink. Even better, this city is full of places that can exceed anyone’s expectations. Gift cards to places like Landing House, Trailhead Beer Market, Barley’s, etc. will allow them to indulge in public when their super social side has sprung out, but they work just as well on to-go fare for when the twins want a solitary sulk session on their sofa.
Cancer: Out of all your people, finding the best gift for your crabby folks can be the most intimidating because their desire to connect and exchange affection can be just so awkwardly intense. You’re afraid you’ll hurt their feelings if the gift isn’t personal enough, but if you really hit the spot, they’ll emote all over the dang place. And who really wants that? Well, there’s a loophole available to you/them called scrapbooking. They can reminisce, blubber and be proud, but the only one subjected to their sappy sentimentality is the snazzy stationary that compliments this specific style of crafting. Even better, Scrappin’ in the City on Hall of Fame Drive has the supplies to get them started. Cringy crisis averted.
Leo: You may think finding the ideal gift for the perfect (in their mind, at least) person is impossible. Really, though, these forever children are easy to please. Any unique toy or trinket from a Market Square or Gay Street (think of the selection at Mast General) shop would make their eyes sparkle. If you really want to make them feel as special as they think they are, though, spring for a day of pampering at the Bee’s Knees Hair Salon followed by cocktails at Simpl. on Sevier Avenue.
Virgo: Practical and pedantic, the best gift for your seemingly uptight compadre may send you on a quest for the most useful – albeit boring – deal offered this season. Though they do indeed appreciate a good bargain (they’re cheap), they desperately need to let off some steam, as well. Since they also tend to be a bit of a health freak, a great gift is one that allows them to relax while incorporating some physical activity, too. Paddleboarding has exploded in this city, so it only makes sense to head on down to River Sports and grab them a board. They’ll get some exercise while peacefully paddling down the river. Just make sure they have access to a Subaru, as they are seemingly required to get through some secret checkpoint to enter South Knox.
Libra: What will impress your easy, breezy BFF? Though they’re cool and capricious, they do have a side that loves glitz and glam … or just shiny stuff in general. They’re also super social, so a great gift would be one that allows them to show out a bit at their next soirée. Pretentious Glass Co. has all kinds of snazzy, unique wares sure to wow not only the Libra in your life, but that also would dazzle all the dudes and dudettes invited to lounge in their lair. Grab a brew while you’re there or, better yet, attend one of their fun and informative classes in which you can make them something truly original.
Scorpio: If you have a Scorpio involved enough in your world that you can throw some cash at and add to them your holiday shopping list, consider yourself lucky. These people tend to have many acquaintances on the periphery but just a few actual homies. I mean, that doesn’t necessarily mean YOU are cool, but it’s likely you’re at least a little cooler than some of the other folks that are Scorpio adjacent, so good for you.
Anyhoo, they can be a bit on the intense side and can spend their leisure time doing stuff flakier folks would consider work – like reading. A book, Madame Weezy? Yes, a book. But one about a topic they can get into that others might consider much too much, so finding just the right subject will likely require the help of a professional. We’re lucky enough to have access to the brilliantly bookish folks down at Union Ave Books. They are really good at helping you find the perfect match for your brooding buddy.
Sagittarius: The fun, friendly and flirtatious centaur is always looking for new ways to explore and engage in the world around them and beyond with a seemingly endless supply of good-natured energy. They also never say no to a friend, so they tend to keep going even when their tank is on empty. All this go go go will eventually catch up with them, and that’s when they turn into a grump grump grump. Since they’d never in a million years ask for help, the gift-giving season is a great time to show them your gratitude while also helping them relax and let off some steam. A nice massage package from the wonderful folks over at Bliss Integrated Bodyworks is just the present to put these folks in the holiday spirit no matter when they decide to cash it in.
Capricorn: Your practical friend tends to buy things they need and limits splurging on the things they don’t. Even more annoying, if you try to get them a gift that is too outlandish or lacks utility, you’ll be getting a lecture on how you need to spend your money more responsibly. You don’t want to get them a boring present, and you already have enough nagging in your life, so what is the solution? Well, clothes are totally practical, and our friends down at Riot Printing Co. have lots of cool yet useful items in their shop. The “Democracy and Math” shirt fits the goat to a tee. Get it? Tee? It’s a T-shirt. Your friend will hate my joke, but they’ll love the gift.
