Practical recommendations from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
by Madame Weezy
It’s the time of year so many of us have been waiting eight long months for: college football season! Given the Southeastern Conference’s decades-long domination of the sport, it makes sense that we here in this corner of the country would be counting down the days. Eight months of pollen, tornadoes, third-degree sunburns, chafe-inducing humidity, bugs and boredom – all worth suffering in order to experience a fall full of amateur athletic excellence.
Though it may seem as though all the folks who live in East Tennessee are VFLs, that simply is not the case. It might be frowned upon and may make for some awkward social situations, but fans of all stripes (or spots or even scaly hide) exist in these parts, as well. And if you’re open to supporting another school (in the SEC, that is; let’s not get completely crazy here), here are some astrologically fated alternatives for y’all who want to engage in an emotionally abusive relationship with a sports team other than the Vols.
Aquarius: Aquarians aren’t too concerned about what others think. They know who they are and what they’re good at, and while they aren’t OK being the worst at everything, their biggest competition is with themselves. Much like water-bearers, the Kentucky Wildcats accept that they’re likely gonna play second fiddle to the basketball team each and every year. As long as they play better than they did last year and aren’t hovering at the bottom of the pack in the East, they’re just fine to let someone else take the spotlight.
Pisces: Those born under this sign are a fun-loving, go-with-the-flow lot. They’re a happy bunch and fairly likable – or at the very least are so relaxed that they’re just not on the top of most people’s hate lists. The same goes for Auburn. Short of the handful of Finebaum regulars who seem to love hating on ‘Bama more than they do actually rooting for the Tigers, this fanbase is just kinda there, doing its own thing down on the Plains. Considering its campus was named the happiest in the country not that long ago, it just further reinforces the idea that you fishies out there are likely to dig this chill (all that War Eagle business aside) team’s vibe.
Taurus: Tradition means more to bulls than to any other sign in the zodiac. They’re passionate and loyal – and terribly stubborn, of course. So stubborn, in fact, that although I was going to include only teams that feature mascots other than the goodest boy alive, I am – I mean they are – too set in my … their … ways to even consider pulling for another team. These are the sort of folks who have tailgated in the same spot for the past 15 seasons, minimum; who sit in the same section game after game, year after year; and who leave at the end of the third quarter like clockwork to stop at the same restaurant on the way home to enjoy the same plate of chicken fingers they’ve been ordering since the ‘80s. It may sound boring to some, but they also get the same goosebumps each and every time that orange-clad team runs through the T to “Rocky Top,” no matter who is standing on the sidelines or what the win-loss prospects look like. Besides, anxiously discovering which version of the team that shows up on any given Saturday is enough excitement for all of us.
Aries: Rams are a rambunctious sort. They’re loud, brawny and will take on any physical challenge no matter how prepared (or ill-prepared) for it they are. Like it or not, they’re kind of like the zodiac’s Florida Man, so it only makes sense that the Gators would be the team of choice for any Aries. Heck, they may just say they’re swampy just to get a rise out of someone. They may not win (especially this year), but they’ll run out on that field with all the self-confidence in the world despite all the keg stands, yard-wrasslin’ and curfew-breaking they may have done in the week leading up to the big game. Although their big talk will have folks giving them some consideration at the beginning of the season (though not this season), all their injuries, lack of discipline and general hooliganism will wind up in them clawing for another Las Vegas invite come December.
Gemini: The twins are attractive, fun and – on the surface, at least – really have it going on. But when put under pressure, those dual personalities wind up showing how chaotic and unbalanced they actually are – much like Texas A&M! For a team that has all the flash, cash and supposed talent they do, when they finally have to compete on the gridiron, everything just kind of falls apart. Geminis can be catty, and so can Aggies (see last season’s Jimbo Fisher/Nick Saban spat for proof). But the twins also can be charming and optimistic. With so many recent seasons being “the year” for folks in College Station, I suppose there’s no reason why 2023 couldn’t actually be the one.
Cancer: Crabs are all heart. They love their people and ain’t afraid to show it. And while they have a reputation for being moody and emotional, they also know how to persevere when things don’t go their way and can look to the future with optimism and excitement when they have their team by their side. That kind of loyalty and dedication fits in just great with South Carolina and this new era of Beamerball. The young coach, in his third year at the helm, is a walking, talking high-five, and his whole-heart brand of leadership with the Gamecocks is the same as you’d get from any Cancer. Whether leading in name or just in spirit, you take care of your people with the same passion and gusto.
Leo: Lions just have that star quality, you know? They’re attractive on the whole, but they seem to have especially great hair. They’re fashionable, witty and fun-loving. On the flipside, they can be petty and downright childish when they don’t get their way. This also describes a person who in Knoxville still goes by more four-letter words than just his name. Of course, I’m talking about Lane and his Ole Miss Landshark crew. Even if the season itself doesn’t go as swimmingly as he’s sure he deserves, watching him work a press conference is super entertaining. He’ll flirt or brood – sometimes do both in the same interview. And his impeccable ability to throw shade is a sport unto itself. So whether or not y’all want to admit it, you Leos have a kindred spirit in the sexy, sassy Coach Kiffin.
Virgo: You hang out with the cool kids, but you yourself tend to keep a low profile. You’re well-rounded, hardworking and when you get right down to it, you’re usually the brains of the operation. So it would behoove you to follow an elite member of the Ivy League of the South. Vanderbilt’s athletes maintain the highest GPAs and graduation rates in the conference, and the school hasn’t had the kind of significant scandals others have. And while its record on the field is less than stellar, it’s still part of a power conference, which becomes quite apparent when it’s facing off against non-SEC competition. Virgins have integrity and character, much like Clark Lea, the likable head coach who took the reins in 2021. With his dedication to hard work and doing things the right way – values near and dear to Virgos – the days of SEC East teams seeing the Vandy game as a gimme win may be coming to an end.
Libra: The scales are all about balance, right? They like to keep the peace and just have a good time. A way this could be accomplished in the SEC is by technically being in the conference while keeping a more Midwestern feel. Even better, if you’re generally so inconsequential to everyone else’s schedule, it’s kinda hard to be mad at ya. I mean, does Missouri even have a significant rival on its roster that also answers to Big Daddy Sankey? The Tigers’ big rivalry game, historically speaking, is with Kansas, for crying out loud. Just like Libras, they like to party (so much so that their captain was arrested this spring for DWI before being dismissed from the team). All this to say: If you fall under this sign, throw on some black and gold and have a rideshare at the ready.
Scorpio: Scorpions are a quiet, sneaky bunch. So much so that folks might forget to watch out for them until it’s too late. They’re also pretty sexy, so the Razorbacks make perfect sense for you with folks like redshirt senior quarterback Cade Fortin, tight end (I’ll say) Luke Hasz and wide-receiver Sam Mbake in the squad. Sam Pittman and his crew keep their heads down and put in the work without making a big show about it. They let their opponents have a false sense of security before really turning up the heat. As scorpions like playing around with their prey before ultimately doing them in, this will likely be their favorite team to watch.
Sagittarius: You’re the best, and you’ve proven it. Still, though, you have haters and naysayers chirping all around you. But what’s great about you is that you give zero … er … cares about what anyone else thinks of you. If anything, you’re gonna use that negative energy as fuel. You’re going to forge ahead, dedicated to incremental but persistent self-improvement. So what if you have the lamest haircut in the league? YOU ARE GEORGIA. You’ve put your nose to the grindstone and can finally see the fruits of your labor. Who knows, maybe you can even make your own composure card to take into your next challenge. One word of caution, though: Don’t glean any fashion sense from the man at the helm. Despite his name, he of the floppy mop looks like one of those seventh-grade boys who wear shorts in winter. He’s middle-aged, not middle-schooled, so someone probably should intervene at this point.
Capricorn: You’ve worked hard and have enjoyed many years of success. Your tried-and-true systems have always worked out for you – until recently. Adapting to new challenges is something you don’t enjoy, and despite your best efforts, you’re now struggling to find a way back to being on top. You have a reputation for being as serious as a heart attack, so you’ve tried your hardest to loosen up. You know how to enjoy life. You eat Oatmeal Creme Pies for breakfast. You even dabble in acting, for goodness’ sake! Alab– … Capricorn, I mean … you are a hard worker and deserve what you have. Don’t let folks tell you that you’re too old, stubborn or *gasp* overrated. Take in this season, enjoy seeing a quality team play good football and watch the Tide roll in.
weezy@blanknews.com
