Practical predictions from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
The most sparkly, nostalgic and joyful time of year is upon us, bestowing all its warm fuzzies and ephemera. What folks look forward to the most depends on the person, but each sun sign has a distinct tradition that tends to get them in the holiday spirit. Want to join in (or exploit) your best pal’s favorite holiday activity? Well, here is a guide to help you make the season special for your loved and liked ones alike.
Aquarius: Though they’re fine intermingling with other humans, Aquarians need a solo activity that can get them in the holiday spirit. Wrapping gifts is one such interest which can afford them the peace they seek. They can be creative with fancy bows, paper and accoutrements; be a perfectionist without eliciting eyerolls; be a control freak; and be left the heck alone – mostly because no one is interested in helping a person that is guaranteed to lose their mind when the ribbon drawer gets even a tiny bit askew.
Pisces: The double-fish folk are chill, easygoing types who enjoy hanging with friends. That bond is especially tight with cousins, who were their first best friends and who still count among their closest companions. Family gatherings are fun and all but can get a bit much when they have to answer the same questions year after year. Their favorite thing is taking a little timeout with their brothers/sisters from the same meemaw and her thousand-degree rancher. Y’all just go for a little stroll in the woods to breathe in some fresh air and maybe inhale some other things, too. Nothing takes the edge off of discussing your failure to procreate like hitting a pen with your oldest pals.
Aries: Rough-and-tumble adults are just rough and tumble kids at heart. The holidays offer rams the chance to return to the good old days and hand out some of the most obnoxious pestering you’ve seen since you were on the losing end of “I’m not touching you.” They are the reason the saying “starts in playing, ends in tears” exists. No matter the age, no one at your aunt’s place is safe from wet-willies, red bellies, body slams and noogies. If you have one of these individuals lurking about, it’s best to wear something that blends in with the hunter green and burgundy furniture.
Taurus: Someone must have told these bulls that they’re in some kind of secret competition with Gordon Ramsey. They take every party, potluck, dinner and bake-off as a personal challenge to make any other person who has dared to contribute both amazed and embarrassed, and they usually succeed. You’re A-OK, though, because even though these folks are always over the top with both their intensity and their creations, you’ll be fat and sassy the whole winter through as a result.
Gemini: The twins have many layers, but most of them like to orchestrate a truly good time. Be it snooty dinner parties, white elephant exchanges or crazily themed get-togethers, their soirées are always fun and legendary. Throwing these kinds of celebrations allows them to be the center of attention – in a good way for a change.
Cancer: Cuddly crabs really love spending time with family. They delight as the kids grow frenzied with anticipation fueled by a buffet of sugary goodness, and they don’t mind the subsequent meltdowns that inevitably follow the crashes. They’re genuinely interested in Uncle Bob’s story about his frustrations trying to get the VA to treat his ingrown toenails, and they are absolutely amused by Cousin Freida regaling them about her trips to Branson. (Did you know that Yakov Smirnoff smiled right at her on the last visit?) If you’re trying to escape any boring or awkward conversation, just draw your Cancer cousin in, and you’ll soon be free to scarf down yet another deviled egg.
Leo: No matter how old they get, lions remain kids at heart. Children love all the stories, songs, cartoons, decorations and traditions – all things Christmas – but what do they love the most? Opening presents, of course! Not only do gifts help Leos accumulate more stuff they don’t need and will barely use, but they also are useful in getting everyone in the room to pay attention to them as they unwrap them, which is the real gift for these attention-starved babies.
Virgo: These are your fun-run enthusiasts. Whereas some folks bake cookies or craft handmade ornaments, virgin weirdos don green leggings, tinsel and Santa hats while shutting down the busiest roads in town. You can sponsor them for some secondhand goodwill towards man without having to get out of your own athleisure to watch bowl games and do your holiday shopping online while buried under blankets with your fuzzy, furry companions.
Libra: The scales like shiny things, so December – with all its tinsel and lights – is just the best as far as they’re concerned. But they prefer seeing all the festive decor by taking a trip to the traditional holiday beacon that is the mall. While stuffy, packed stores are a nightmare for many, wandering shop to shop; feeling fabrics; sniffing colognes and candles; and marveling at the strange baubles hung haphazardly on kiosk displays is a dream to Libras. Can’t find the item you’re looking for but would rather stab yourself in the eye than enter a big-box store? Just ask your best early autumn-baby friend to be on the lookout for the last one in town.
Scorpio: There’s a lot of cooking going on around the holidays, but all your scorpion buds are doing is stirring the pot. While family gatherings are meant to celebrate winter holidays like Hanukkah, Christmas or Diwali, these people are only interested in Festivus and its airing of grievances. Arguing with relatives is a craft they’ve honed over the years, and it is honestly breathtaking to behold. You want to say something about all of your aunt’s Facebook posts but are too chicken to broach the subject? Just a quick whisper to a Scorpio cousin is all you need to make half the room feel vindicated … and all attendees left feeling awkward. Let them do your dirty work for you, and just enjoy the satisfaction that brings about.
Sagittarius: Centaurs are here for a good time and can find fun anywhere. While other adults get joy from seeing kids’ faces light up as they gaze at the bounty underneath the tree and unpack stockings, these individuals are itching to assist in opening all those boxes and helping “make sure it works right.” They’ll pogo on any stick, race anything with wheels, bounce any ball and will have half the parts lost or broken by dinnertime. Did someone get your child something you really don’t want in your house? Just draw the attention of the closest Sag, and it’ll be ruined in no time flat.
Capricorn: Needing to maintain order, goats will suck the joy out of anything, but they’re actually good to have around to keep holiday excitement from turning into a ramen-noodle January. This doesn’t mean their gifts stink; far from it, even. They will use their favorite toy, Microsoft Excel, to create an elaborate budget and cross-reference with sales, cash-back offers and coupon codes for their loved ones to have a reasonably happy holiday while also keeping everyone out of the poorhouse.
