Practical predictions from BLANK’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
It’s that time of year again when the pools close for the summer, Spirit Halloween ads/memes start popping up, Paul Finebaum callers ramp up into high gear and the pumpkin-spice scourge invades all our senses – all while the thermometer readings are still well into the 80s. What else could it be but back-to-school time? Yes, we’re already a few weeks into the first semester, but the kids are just now getting settled into their routines. With our city increasing in population by the tens of thousands upon the start of each new academic session at UT, you yourself might be contemplating giving school the old college try. “But what should I study, Madame Weezy?” I’m here for you, friends, with the right major for you based on your astrological sign.
Aquarius: You’re individualistic, creative and a little weird, to be honest. Where you should be is a spot where “wrong” is fairly relative and demands little chance of having to actually work with/listen to others all day long, two things that are just not your forte. A graphic-design program is just the ticket to lead you where you can create, and though it doesn’t provide complete control, it does afford reduced opportunities to be micromanaged. You also like pretty things, so you’ll be able to find enough work to maintain a reasonably good quality of life where if you see something you like, you can actually buy it.
Pisces: Folks born under this sign are sensitive, creative and have the kind of personality that doesn’t fit into a life of schedules and rigidity. They also are absolutely okay with living … ahem … modestly. As long as they have pizza money, they’re A-OK. If you wandered into adolescence without picking up a guitar, a set of drumsticks or, shoot, a microphone, that would be surprising to Madame Weezy, as Pisces are wired to live the life of a musician. You can hustle just enough to keep doing what you love, so it only makes sense you’d pick a major light on hard math and science but heavy on exploration of what your imagination can compose – aka music. It’s unlikely you’ll be rich, but in the words of Mr. George Strait, “Lord, (you’ll be) free.”
Aries: You are loud and can’t sit still. You’re also the worst when it comes to dealing with stress in a constructive manner. You need a future that’s high on activity and low on having to prove yourself to others. This is why exercise science is the natural path for someone with your set of skills and, well, to borrow a corporate word, “opportunities.” This discipline allows you to pursue a career in athletic training, physical education or sports therapy. These professions offer up plenty of opportunity to help others, to keep moving and little chance of someone telling you that you’re doing something wrong. Also, these jobs tend to have a reasonable workload, as burnout for you could constitute a national emergency.
Taurus: Bulls are intelligent, authoritative and love routine. They’re also the best at dealing with kids. They can show love and caring while also not putting up with any nonsense. This is why a job in education is an ideal setting for those with this sign. You can teach the younger grades but would be happier with the older bunch. And, goodness, there’s no one better to deal with that awkward pack that is the middle-school set. Even better, though, you would make an amazing administrator or guidance counselor. Both of those positions would allow you to maximize the number of folks you can boss around, and they offer the kind of salary you think you deserve.
Gemini: You twins are incredibly creative, enthusiastic and have many sides to your personality you can slip in and out of so easily that it’s really kind of unsettling. You need variety in whatever you do, which is why you fit in so well at any college or university’s theater program. While the rest of us aren’t exactly thrilled with you honing your already impressive skills in acting like someone you aren’t, you and the dramatic arts go together like peanut butter and jelly. You crave the limelight, as well, so this path gives you loads of opportunities for all eyes to be focused squarely on you, as well as the chance to garner sympathy from your comrades when you don’t get the part. Even if you don’t wind up parlaying that degree into an EGOT or a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, you’ll at least wind up being a local celebrity with your face popping up on local grocery and/or reverse-mortgage ads.
Cancer: You are a nurturer first and foremost. Any major you pick should have a focus on service to others. You want your future career to be one that is going to make lives better and the world at large a better place. Social work offers so many avenues to help those in need. While most think of this field as offering somewhat emotionally draining jobs – positions with DCS come to mind – that’s only one path. You can help entire families navigate their way to independence, you can aid schools, you can help hospital patients with support services or even assist the elderly in maintaining a good quality of life. Let’s be honest: You’re a crier, and there’s nothing you can do about it, so no matter what you pick, you’re unlikely to get through your work life without shedding a tear or two. However, with a job in social services, what you expend in tears will be well worth the payout of the endless warm fuzzies you’ll get from helping your fellow human beings.
Leo: A person with your creativity, good looks and charm obviously can’t waste the natural gifts bestowed upon them. What others may not realize is that you’re also wicked smart and have a knack for business. Now that I’ve properly stoked your already inflated ego, marketing is where you belong. This field allows you to effectively use your talents (though whether it’s for good or evil depends on the product you’re pushing). Your creativity can help you come up with a magnetic campaign, your business acumen gives you the ability to compose the hard data needed to convince the stuffier types that your brilliant idea is the way to go and your personality will make it difficult for folks to turn you down. You could sell a fish a hairbrush, but you’re smart enough to flash a smile and just call it a scale loofah instead, which is just one example of your uncanny talent.
Virgo: Virgos are responsible, analytical and can see both the big picture and the details, which is a unique and invaluable trait. They love problem-solving and like to make a game out of working complex puzzles. Virgins are the kind of folk that keep our society moving, and with a degree in logistics/supply-chain management, you all can do so literally. Planning and executing how stuff is made and transported has so many moving pieces that you’ll never be bored. Not only that, this career field can be quite lucrative, so you’ll be able to reserve your brain power for maintaining your company’s profitability without having to stress about your own. The biggest challenge you’ll have is knowing when to call it quits for the day because what others may find to be exhausting work, you see as child’s play.
Libra: With your symbol being the scales, most would think that you Libras would be naturals in the field of law and criminal justice. The thing is, though, you hate conflict. Your symbol is the scales because you’ll do anything to mediate, preferring to avoid conflict before it gets out of control. This field is also a bit too heavy for you, as you like to create and make things beautiful. You would be much happier going into a field with less at stake and more opportunity to create – such as interior design. You’ve put in so much to make your own space look uniquely cool and aesthetically pleasing and would do an even better job with those that have a heftier budget. Shopping for textiles, hitting up estate sales and finding that perfect rug or lamp that makes a space pop gives you life, and you also love helping others outwardly express their inner selves. This is a career that will help you help others on a fun level and even provide you inspiration and pocket change to be a little indulgent yourself.
Scorpio: Scorpions are incredibly cerebral, so it only makes sense they’d pursue a career that centers on the mind. Psychology takes a scientific approach to uncovering the mysteries of our subconscious, so having to deal with their own feelings thankfully isn’t required. You folks are driven and thus will see this subject out to its full potential, likely graduating school and then taking on research roles. You find the challenge that comes with exploring the largely theoretical assumptions about human behavior incredibly enticing, and the infinite ability to explore will stave off any boredom. Let’s not completely ignore the fact that psychologists can be a bit on the narcissistic side, too, although at least you’re self-aware enough to acknowledge it. Though whether or not you want to acknowledge that’s a bad thing is another matter entirely.
Sagittarius: Centaurs are driven, creative and charismatic, and they hate being told what to do. You half-and-halves would not thrive in an environment in which you’re kept on a short leash, so thankfully there’s a major out there to help you be your own boss. Entrepreneurship will give you the tools to create a job that is totally your own. With boundless energy and the uncanny ability to talk anyone into anything, you truly make an art out of the hustle. What you are selling isn’t necessarily important. Sure, you’d love to be involved with a product you’re passionate about. More importantly, though, you feel the need to win. What that may look like varies, but you love the rush of overcoming risk, adversity and – of course – proving haters wrong. Even better, this route allows you to change things up once you’ve grown bored, which is something you need. A bored Sagittarius is obnoxious to everyone.
Capricorn: You hate risk, you hate change and you do not love open-ended tasks. You know this is the answer already, but you’re an accounting major, my friend. Numbers don’t argue, lie or change their mind. They’re constant and predictable. Even better, a career in this field is also incredibly secure and changes very little. You will have a great-paying job with reasonable hours and little day-to-day variability. Being right means more to you than it does to any other sign, and this career offers little room for subjectivity. The rules and boundaries are set in stone, so you don’t really have to wonder if you’re doing a good job.
