Practical recommendations from Blank’s resident soothsayer
By Madame Weezy
Gobble gobble, ya turkeys! It’s Madame Weezy, here to remind you to give thanks for the blessings you’ve received throughout the year. While we all have plenty to be grateful for, you each had a unique, universally determined ‘something’ that made the year special. Read on for what your star sign delivered to you in 2025.
Aquarius: While you’re a creative doer, you sometimes need a little inspiration to reach for the stars. You are thankful that this year provided some jet fuel to throw on that fire to go for the next big thing. With Gayle King, Katy Perry and that Bezos arm candy going to space, you got the reminder you needed that you really can do anything you set your mind to, from going for that promotion to giving that new hairdo a try.
Pisces: You live a life of gratitude, so it’s likely difficult to pick what stands out the most. You are also a fan of the more leisurely things in life and keeping errands to a minimum. If you had to choose, you’re most thankful to be living in the golden age of delivery apps. You can have groceries, fanciful feasts for you and your beasts and even your favorite chill-infused drinks, candy, pre-rolls and more (for now at least) brought right to your door.
Aries: As an ambitious individual, your bucket list stretches a mile long, but this year you got just the push you need to whip yourself into shape and mark off one of those big dreams. Even better, you don’t have to travel too far to make it happen! You are thankful there was no winner of the 2025 Barclay Race in beautiful Morgan County, as you needed the motivation to get that application in for next year’s marathon. You’ll obviously have no problem navigating the rustic terrain and solving the inane riddles peppering the trail. Come fall 2026, everyone is going to know you’re the toughest son of a gun around.
Taurus: You are thankful for the normal things of course: family, health, income, etc. This year, though, you and the rest of the world got a pretty big scare. For almost a full day, you were worried sick that our hometown hero, our sweetest sweetheart, our delightful debutant Dolly may have been short for this mortal coil. Thankfully, her sister overreacted almost as much as every drag queen who draws inspiration from Sevier County’s finest. Grateful doesn’t begin to describe how you and everyone else feels to have our Ms. Parton still among the living.
Gemini: We rang in 2025 with a much more worrisome countdown still underway. What were you going to do to disassociate? How were you going to learn the latest dance? Diagnose your totally real mental-health condition? How were you going to watch animals do/wear/eat silly things? You see, the last hour of TikTok was nigh. But alas, the government did the right thing and let us keep our scrolls scrolling. Immensely thankful, you’re more than happy to pay the small price of diminished personal security for hours of mindless entertainment.
Cancer: Any kind of amorousness is your jam, but celebrity romances are especially juicy. You’re truly thankful to be witness to one of the greatest love stories ever told. Swifties around the planet squealed with delight as their queen finally found true love in the form of rugged football star Travis Kelce. While his performance on the field may be slipping and her latest songwriting left a bit to be desired, tying the knot really is all about compromise.
Leo: Most of you summer babies are allergic to winter. It’s cold, dark, dreary and – as far as you’re concerned – pretty joyless. That is why you are so thankful that, save for one minor snow, 2025 was a fairly mild winter here in East Tennessee. Porch sitting and beer sipping were possible throughout the shorter days, at times even without the need of those fire pits that cause more burned front sides and freezing backsides than any actual comfort.
Libra: Everything old is new again, and you’re here for it! Thankful for the reemergence of your high school trends, you now can proudly sport chokers, butterfly clips, JNCO and all the glitter in the world. It might be a good idea, though, to skip over those ultra low-rise jeans, as you could barely keep your privates private the first time around before you grew up (and perhaps a bit out, too).
Scorpio: At times, you intelligent, intense creatures can struggle to find leisure activities that keep you engaged. Relaxing is hard, but with the explosion of sports betting apps, you are thankful to finally have a hobby that you can study, strategize and ruin games for anyone around you who is just trying to watch for enjoyment. You are intense on a normal day, but a $5 parlay can make you downright insufferable.
Sagittarius: You are a sports fanatic, and since you’re from the South, college athletics are really where it’s at. While there absolutely are kinks in the new system, you’re thankful that, with the introduction of NIL dollars, the playing field really is evening out. Traditional dynasties are dying, making way for exciting Saturdays front to back. Butt-whoopings still happen, but they’re more the exception now than the rule.
Capricorn: Though it did come with some controversy, you’re mighty thankful for the new downtown stadium. Lazy days spent at the ballpark drinking beer, eating hotdogs and hanging with your pals isn’t a bad way to pass time. It’s a new thing to do that isn’t as strenuous as participating in an outdoor activity, but it’s more interactive than just sitting at a bar. And thanks to our successful soccer club, the fun lasted all the way into November.
weezy@blanknews.com
