Tennessee looked poised to somehow pacify expectations in the 2018 campaign after knocking off a pair of ranked (though recoiling) conference opponents and brushing the brink of bowl eligibility, only to falter to fatigue and an acute lack of depth in the final two games of the year. Somehow, it was a one-game step up from the sorry state of 2017, but I digress. If it felt infuriating, that’s understandable. The Vols have served you a plethora of painful performances over the course of a downright dire decade.
Now we’re only a few short weeks away from the 2019 season, and Vol fans around the world are collectively wondering: Can I do this to myself again?
Of course you can; (Vol for) life is pain, and it’s that magical time of year when any and every possibility can feel probable – from perfection to prolonged plight. The end of summer is here, and with it comes the wave of wispy wants and optimistic opining from the hallowed hills and hollers of East Tennessee. I recently rewatched every single snap from 2018, and I can see how close a terribly average UT team was from delivering a decent season. Players are packing on positive pounds, the hurt are healing, staff has gotten stronger and there’s nothing in the world to stop Vol Nation from fantasizing about how fantastic it’s all going to go. Until Tennessee wanders its way home to its rightful place among the higher powers of blue-blood college football programs, end-of-summer speculation is our time to shine.
That being said, it’s time to make a beautifully biased and (somewhat) informed prediction of how good/bad things will be for the 2019 Vols. As you may have astutely attained, I’m playfully placating the previous pain by piping in an abject amount of alliteration and assonance, apropos of absolutely nothing.
Georgia State (8/31, Knoxville)
2018 record: 2-10
I’m not even going to play games with you: Tennessee is going to stunt Georgia State from the start with stingy stops and stat-stuffing strategies. This pulverization of the passive Panthers ought to be an optimal opportunity to heap on some home-field highlights ahead of the hellish hike ahead. 1-0.
BYU (9/7, Knoxville)
2018 record: 7-6
The out-of-conference opposition obviously takes a turn towards trouble in Week 2, with the Brigham Youngsters partaking a pilgrimage from Provo. In 2018, the Cougars made waves at Wisconsin by tripping up a talented Badger team in a tricky trap game. BYU will sport seasoned ogres along an O-line that offers four stayover starters and a green but gifted quarterback in Zach Wilson. But this bevy of big cats isn’t nearly the blue buzzsaw (by way of Will Grier’s West Virginia) that burst the Big Orange’s bubble in 2018. This is an all-around average Cougar quorum that graduated a great many of the guys that made 2018 so good for these gamers. Knoxville at night is a tough task for second-tier teams, and this one should start sassy but be soothed in the second half by Neyland’s noise, Tennessee’s talent and by BYU’s deficit of depth. 2-0.
UTC (9/14, Knoxville)
2018 record: 6-5
The most perturbing part of a pillow-fight pairing like the one in the third week is how to hold onto your health. Even in the lowliest OOC sequence, bodies become bruised and beaten. With a horde of heavy hitters on the horizon, you’d hardly hate to see the staff stymie the starters; instead, you’d want to spot them seasoning the second string with starting snaps against the snakes. This relaxed reptilian rev-up will be a welcome weakling before heading south to a certain swamp where larger lizards lurk. 3-0.
Florida (9/21, Gainesville)
2018 record: 10-3
A Vol’s most reviled rival was regrettably right to refer to this September soiree as being sadly subdued – and so for a figurative forever. Since Tennessee’s six-turnover tragedy in 2018, the trajectory toward this trip to Turd Country has tormented Tennessee fans. There is a bit of a bright side, however, being that dumb-shoes Dan Mullen didn’t diligently avoid aggressive attrition along his lizardly lineup. The jeering jorts-clad jerkburgers who follow Florida get a trio of pre-Tennessee tussles to tune up, and though it’s fair to forecast a feistier fight than last fall’s fumble-fest, I fear a near-miss and that we’re still a year from really reversing course and curtailing the continuous curse on this competition. 3-1.
Georgia (10/5, Knoxville)
2018 record: 11-3
After Kirby Smart curb-stomped the Butch Jones era into the most brittle of brick dust, Jeremy Pruitt’s prodigies hand-delivered a headache between the hedges for three quarters before an unfortunate fourth that finalized the failure. The Athens kennel club now must bring their barking barrage of blue chips for another bite of what generally have been gripping affairs to brawl in General Bob’s backyard. The big bummer for the bullies is near-but-never ultimate success usurping the urgency out of regular-season unions, making them susceptible to scary situations such as this slide up I-75 to tangle with this Tennessee team. With too much talent tipping the scales in their favor, expect Georgia to barely escape Knoxville with a win (on paper), but the Bulldogs will be left scraped and running on vapors while the Vols will morph into a mean, more focused monster in mid-season mode. 3-2.
Mississippi State (10/12, Knoxville)
2018 record: 11-3
When Joe M’s Starkville SquattyDogs bring their rebuild to town, some Marble City madmen may await. The gap grafted by graduated GoodBoiz – especially the one created by facing off without former flinger Fitzgerald’s formidable frame – goes a long way towards turning this tussle in Tennessee’s favor. Assuming an avoidance of injuries to UT’s A-list athletes, the Vols should accurately view Moorehead’s cowbell crew as a viable villain for some violent ventilation. If Pruitt’s more dominant dudes, especially the D-line, are deteriorated by damage, this could be a distressing (or at least dicey) day, but a victory vaults the Vols within view of a vital bowl birth and beyond. 4-2.
Alabama (10/19, Tuscaloosa)
2018 record: 14-1
In my 39 years, I’ve seen 14 wins in this series, and 15 won’t be soon. It sucks, and there’s work to do in bridging that gap. No fun wordplay necessary with this one. 4-3.
South Carolina (10/26, Knoxville)
2018 record: 7-6
Clammy Carolina coach Will Muschamp and his endlessly average cadre of cockpersons have callously crept by with continuous cruelty in this conference collision due to the terminally flawed Vols squads of the last decade retooling nonstop and engaging in coaching round robins. But steadier days tend to turn things toward Tennessee in this tussle. Scar will be bolstered by Bentley being born to ball, but a battle-hardened, opportunistic Tennessee D will be truly testy in Knoxville, knowing how near they’ll be to punching their post-season ticket and powerfully pursuing a precious piece of their projected progress. 5-3.
UAB (11/2, Knoxville)
2018 record: 11-3
The green-and-gold-donning Dragons from down I-59 are straight out of an NCAA storybook. But back in reality, Bill Clark’s Conference USA kings simply aren’t made for the magnitude of this matchup with the men they’re meant to meet in a November Neyland Stadium showdown. After weeks of fighting for their future, the Vols will relish a rather dramatic and discernible downturn in talent across the trenches. The Blazers have been blessed with a bunch of ballers to help build the program back to beast mode, but many of those men just went bye-bye, leaving Coach Clark and company badly in need of more building blocks in their Birmingham base. The men in orange won’t entertain or engage in trivial trap-game trash, knowing that a glowing goal goes in the bag with any level of effective execution in this OOC should-be snoozer. 6-3.
Kentucky (11/9, Lexington)
2018 record: 10-3
It’s a bit tricky not to be boastful about how the best bluegrass bunch in the barely there history of the BBN brought their boys down to get blasted in Bob’s Big Boy by one truly terrible 2018 Tennessee team – true to tradition. Pruitt now is in prime position to perpetuate the practically perennial punishment, thanks to the Wildcat workhorses progressing to professional positions, leaving Lexington’s latest lads lacking luster. 7-3.
Missouri (11/23, Columbia)
2018 record: 8-5
The SEC East was rightfully relieved to see stat-Dracula Drew Lock graduate, potentially putting Mizzou back a peg or two. But then Clemson-bolting Kelly Bryant transferred to Tiger Town, so the parity party was officially off. Mizzou maintains a firmly fixed foundation, and Derek Dooley’s Bryant boost should keep them bothersome. Expect a scrappy, high-scoring scramble to the finish line. Tennessee loses late. 7-4.
Vanderbilt (11/30, Knoxville)
2018 record: 6-7
Tennessee’s success recently recessed after dominant decades versus Vanderbilt, but seldom has a loss stung stronger than the capital-city Commodores canceling Tennessee’s triumphant trip to bowl play in Pruitt’s premiere year. After that disaster, though, 6-6 Derek Mason’s dancing moment made me mutter, “A fifth-year coach going crazy over .500 can’t be favorable foreshadowing.” And based on what he is faced with replacing, the immediate football future feels foreboding for the Dores. Watch for the Vols D to key on RB Ke’Shawn Vaughn in hopes of vanquishing Vandy’s worrisome weapon. Expect a near-capacity Neyland full of nasty noisemakers that will be rowdy and ready for revenge in this recently revitalized regional rivalry. 8-4.
Look! I did it! I satisfactorily suggested an only slightly surreal season, all through the alternately absorbing, aggravating and alienating assimilation of aggressive amounts of alliteration and assonance.
wright@blanknews.com
