Practical recommendations from Blank’s resident soothsayer
by Madame Weezy
Though the U.S. has hosted the World Cup once in the past, the 2026 iteration is seemingly the one to have finally made our country fall in love with the world’s sport. Given that soccer provides suspense, passion and tradition all across the globe pretty much year round, some of you Yankee Doodle Dandies might want to align yourselves with the football stars (get it?!) that have been dazzling our screens for countries other than our own this summer. With so many breakout prodigies, it can be hard to navigate which marcher in this parade of nations is the best match for your brand of fandom. Thankfully, Madame Weezy is here to help you chart your course using the time-tested method of following the celestial bodies.
Aquarius: These signs are sharp, self-confident trendsetters. They collect cool points from cradle to grave, kind of like Spain’s teen sensation Lamine Yamal … adorable but awkward baby photo shoot with Lionel Messi aside. Aquarians, like Spain, command control and keep their composure – no matter which Argentine is trying to throw them off their game. As we saw from the likes of Pedri, Rodri, Nico Williams and the rest of La Roja, water bearers perfectly mix passion with perfection and possess both the style and discipline to go all the way.
Pisces: Fishes live their lives on island time, going with the flow and doing their best for national pride and the love of the game, not letting outsiders dictate their narrative. Coming into the competition carrying humble expectations flecked with joy and hope, Cape Verde’s players captivated the world with their surprising talent, vibrant energy and chill demeanor. They cleared a new path towards victory – one full of smiles, fun dances and a bunch of new fans cheering them along the way.
Aries: Rams are aggressive and fearless competitors, throwing fireballs of intensity at any opponent no matter the challenge. Paraguay played with that same ferocity, stunning blue blood Germany and nearly playing David to France’s Goliath (even though the team’s more theatrical tactics weren’t as successful against the U.S.) With the same confidence of a 6-pound Yorkie facing off against a pit bull from behind a fence, so, too, did La Albirroja charge through the group stages all the way to the round of 16. Though it didn’t make it any further, the team remained yappy, scrappy and dangerous until its exit.
Taurus: Bulls are ruled by tradition, class and stubbornness, three traits that many relate to the world’s most popular sport. Class, though, can be a bear to maintain when the refs seem to be on the side of your opponent – just ask England. Flush with some of the biggest stars from some of the biggest clubs in the most recognizable leagues around, there is a posh air to the Brits. Some of the country’s most famous traditions have even found their way to the pitch, like humorously referring to hydration breaks as “teatime.” The regal nature of the Three Lions, though, can shapeshift when provoked, turning the team into a snarling, kicking and charging bull. If you don’t believe me, consult the back of Valentín Barco’s head, which is probably still redder than it already was.
Gemini: Inconsistency could describe many of the teams that participated in the 23rd installment of the World Cup, but none swung as high or bowed so low as France. With a staggering starting 11 and a bench full of ringers, to boot, it was seemingly Les Bleus’ trophy to lose. But after tearing through the competition in style, they crashed out in contrarian fashion with a meek, subservient loss to Spain. Twins need time to introvert, and apparently so do the French … right when they need to razzle and dazzle. A Golden Boot just isn’t as shiny when it should be sitting next to a champion’s trophy.
Cancer: Crabs are passionate and tenacious competitors, a joy to behold with a strong and confident facade. Just below the surface, however, is a vortex of emotions that can enter peak tantrum mode at the slightest perceived injustice. Such is the identity of Mexico’s national team. El Tri’s physical style of play is a menace to adversaries, but when things don’t go its way, the players may resort to whining, flopping and kicking like a 4-year-old denied the sugary stuff in the cereal aisle. Similarly and luckily for them, though, they’re usually lovable enough to get away with the theatrics.
Leo: These fiery lions are bold and flashy, enthusiastic and intense, bright and energetic. They also know how formidable they are and can effortlessly hide shortcomings behind said traits. Leos also want the attention to stay on them instead of sharing the spotlight – even when they would be better suited distributing it all around. With its spectacular history of soccer royalty and legendary players like Pelé and Ronaldo, Brazil used to be known for its artfulness, intensity and for working cohesively to churn out trophy after trophy. These days, we still get the requisite style and flair from a guy like Viní Júnior, but the spotlight on Neymar has amassed quite a few cracks, distorting the light to where it’s illuminating mostly a handful of adequate squad players.
Virgo: Virgins like consistency and logic, reasonably clean living and constant movement – while still relishing a healthy dollop of whimsy. These descriptors could also be applied to the Netherlands. The Dutch are tactical and precise, with a distinct rhythm and a seemingly choreographed playing style. This time-tested approach has earned them numerous World Cup appearances – even if they are normally of the always-a-bridesmaid persuasion. Still, their goal dances are amazing, they usually play exceptionally well as a unit and, most importantly, they look like they’re always having a good clean time.
Libra: The scales like things that are fun and fun to look at, but they’re just not into that whole give-it-your-all lifestyle. As long as they aren’t the worst, they’re OK not being the best. The same can also be said of Scotland and its good-natured set of supporters, the Tartan Army. Peppered with a few standouts, most of the squad is decidedly middle of the road: good enough to be invited to the party but not disciplined enough to stick around for too long. And this nomadic lifestyle is just fine with the fans because it’s likely they’ve already drank the place dry and are ready to march on to the next destination.
Scorpio: Scorpions want to see brooding intensity out of the athletes they follow and are big fans of both mental and physical toughness. And even though soccer doesn’t provide the same rush and sense of danger as, say, skydiving, it can absolutely be full of menace and power. This is especially true when it’s played by a bunch of giant Vikings. Scorpions no doubt will be in awe of someone who possesses the kind of commanding power and speed as the 2026 tournament’s biggest sensation, Erling Braut Haaland. This man is huge, ripped, fast and pretty dang hilarious, too. He’s just one amongst a group of compatriots who are equally as large, forceful and intimidating – even if they lack the natural goalscoring ability of their talisman. Even Norway’s fan chant, the Row, incorporates a decent cardio workout while scaring the bejesus out of the competition.
Sagittarius: Centaurs are incredibly independent. They’re also fun, tenacious and frustrating. They’re talented and competitive, but they also can be so determined to take their own path that it can be hard to work with them in a group. If that doesn’t sound like Portugal (and especially its aging striker), then I don’t know what does. The team has a fairly rich history on the world stage, but for over two decades the team has orbited around an ego so big that it has its own gravitational pull. At the age of 41, Ronaldo is still a stunning physical specimen, but his vanity and diminishing returns have been holding the team back from collective success for a few tournaments now. Who knows, though, what could happen if the self-proclaimed soccer god finally announces his exit? It could lead to a new beginning in which the team can actually play as one.
Capricorn: Goats are the ultimate athletes. They are disciplined and work incredibly hard, and their focus is not easily swayed. They also live and breathe sports. This spirit fits well into Argentina’s fútbol philosophy. The team has been elite for quite a while, largely thanks to arguably the best to ever put cleat to grass: Messi. The best thing about this GOAT is that he doesn’t feel the need to hoard attention. He keeps his attention on the competition, sharing plaudits with other phenoms like Emi Martinez and Julian Alvarez. The entire team always appears to be tuned in and putting all of its mental and physical equity into the task at hand. That ambition can rear its ugly head when things don’t go its way, though, at which point it’s liable to furiously lash out.
weezy@blanknews.com
